haha

Hi diary... How r u? Been long time huh? Bet u r dying to meet me :)... Well, sorry, been bz before and after the ied, as u know I'm handling the concept, sales, making sales plan, production target for vector?, no hard feeling k? Hahaahahaha.. Feels like I'm a teenager! 

teriakku!

Apa yg ku cari? Kekayaan? Mungkin ya, mungkin tidak, tidak pernah ku paksakan keinginan untuk terus menjadi "lebih" kaya, aku sederhana, punya uang belanja, gak punya uang gapapa,.. Kusisihkan buat keluarga, mamah, anak2ku ( anak kakak2ku, anak adikku ), untuk anak didikku M dan T di panti...
Ketenangan? Bukan, aku tidak bersahabat dengan tenang. Aku lapang, lapar, merintih sejenak, terluka dan berpihak hidup, menantang maut, tidak aman, tidak nyaman. Aman dan Nyaman itu bosan.. Ku lihat diri, dan terus beranjak... Sendiri... Ku bebas berdiri, lantang berteriak, bergelut dengan waktu, masih, disisa hidupku... Ku bukan sebagian orang, menanti hidup dan siap menghadap mati.. Aku disini, mati dan hidup bukanlah inti, aku ikhlas seperti pantai, dihempas ombak tanpa henti! Aku, petualang! Ku mungkin terkapar, mati dan sendiri.. Tapi, pernahkah kau dengar aku berkeluh kesah? Aku dihantam palu hidup tepat di kepala, rajam di lutut, batu di kakiku, kerikil di mataku.. Ku mungkin merintih, tapi berkeluh kesahkah aku? Nanah di telapak kaki, darah di pelipis mata, ku jatuh terkulai, pernah ku biarkan itu menghalangi? Aku tidak tabah, aku bukan kuat, aku tidak kokoh, aku hanya seorang petualang!

sumthing i realize..

Hope u read this..
If i never told u dat u're a good girl, You Are
If i never told u dat i've forgiven u for things u did,
i have...
If i never told u i love u, i do...
If i never let u know u're such a blessing to me, well..
You are.. And U'll always be...

perfect song for exhausting revelation, still fighting

Yesterday_Today_Tomorrow_Always

Bayang-bayang
By Dewa 19

Saat ku terlena, dalam buaian mimpi
Kucoba tuk menghalau rasa cinta yg pernah ada, semakin ku terbawa oleh pesona dirimu

Saat ku terjaga, dalam khayalan semu
Kucoba tuk meraih, angan mu usik mimpiku, tapiku tak berdaya...

Bayang-bayangmu kasih slalu hadir dalam gelisahku
Nada-nada asmara kan terhilang sekilas kau ada
Bayang-bayangmu kasih mewarnai asa dalam duka
Nada-nada asmara kan terhilang sekejap kau lepas

Saat kuterbayang, wajah anggun angkuhmu, kucoba tuk menjauh saat2 dekat denganmu, melupakan dirimu

gile bayang... benar2 gile bayang

The voice has gone slowly,
But the shadow keeps appearing, in every blink of my sore and worry eyes,
Cudn't find my courage to step away, to walk away from the memories..

tired

Now, i feel so tired, feeling is not young as i it used to be,
For all the dating i have skipped, sick of say no, even yes to
i know it will end soon, juz trying to state my feeling here... Drown by the river of
Job schedules.. No space to be in lurveeee... Feel lonely tho,... Ivana is at medan now, she will be at jakarta
tomorrow, with her seems everything is OK, but I'm afraid it won't last long... We're not dating
but she "completes" me, or i complete her :)...iv, if u read this, can you stop by
When you're free and spend a nite with me.. TALKING.. :)

compose 1_ raw

My one nite song... Shud write it down and record, before i forget...

I've been dying to forget
The taste, the smell, the all we had
They say that nothing lasts forever
But you're here means all the matter

Listening to the morning breeze
Which composed of thousand memories
And then the rhythm and the rhyme
Think to neglect but it's a crime

Reff :
i can't forget, really won't forget
This heart is just forever
This love just means together
i swear to stay, for all the breath to share
They say that nothing lasts forever
But you're here means all the matter

yth : dunia

Kepada dunia
Mendengar aku pada jeritan,
Jemari hati yang terluka, insan muda mencoba memanah rembulan, busurnya luka, hatinya sirna, mereka dihinakan, orang2 kecil, aku, orang2 yg dirampas haknya, aku, berapa banyak nyawa yang dikorbankan, aku, berapa banyak jiwa yang direndahkan, aku, hidupku.. Berapa banyak ibu tanpa keibuannya, berapa banyak ayah tanpa anaknya, landa iba hati orang tua tanpa daya untuk sekolah anaknya, mengamen hidup, nyanyikan lagu indah, aku, pura-pura.... Lemparkan tawa, bersihkan luka, kamu, bisa? Mudahkah? Atau hanya kau luka yang tersisa? Kamu aku bangunkan mereka! Menjadi saksi... Kepada dunia...

NOW!

I'm on my knees, saying my prayers.... many things to say while eyes are tired, telling my mind to force my body to bed.. NOW!.. I'm praying for April's Mom, Dad, and her sista, May God give the best for the surgery... Touch her Dad with His Holy Spirit, hold her sister's hand with His Glorious Touch... And for April, to be strong in the time, especially like this...NOW!.. i know she's capable of doing it, i know her well.. Like she knows me..So please God, give the best for April's family...
i also pray for my dear Aunt.. May God give her the better place than down here, whic is i believe He does...
it's hard to keep my eyes opened, i am typing with my eyes close, am wondering if i have prayed good enough to be heard.. i must keep going... Till i fall asleep.. NOW!

Today is one of a great day at work :), things r going well.. Some new
Concepts bout our new products were finally decided.. Well still running outt of time of
The world cup tee :).. But, we can make it.. i have a solid team.. Well. i'd rather say
I'm in a solid team..well the deadline is this May end, cos the world cup will start at June 11th...
Yay... i'm so excited..
Thanks hevi and widie.. U both rocks!
i've learnt many things bout new product development, how a concept was made, how it shud be treated,
When and how to manage the right things!
Well, make couple new friends at fb, err 1 of them is M's friend...
She said sumthing bout K name... Dat's how the buried memories filled my mind up, her voice,
The way she used to nag, smile, throw things, even fight.. and the new friend i told, sent me M pic at my fb inbox..
It felt like the wind whispering me her name... God, the sins i've made, sorry M, it's not because i din love u,
but u rejected me at the 1st place when i proposed u... Now, u'r gone, May God give u a better place there, than down here...
Where i know u'd been hurt so much, from ppl u love, friends u believe,
It's funny how i talk, chat and play with K, i din remember u at all, but after seeing ur pic..
I'm falling apart... Speechless!
i think i shud go and say my prayers... Will write soon...

sumthing juz too BIG!

Don know wat to write, thoughts fly freely...
i think I'm scared, afraid, i think life's too mean,
too complicated, too BIG for me to go through,
but at the same time i think I'm feeling the joy,
the glory of God, the kindness of universe in me,
to help me each time and telling me which way to go....
Ya, i need to live my life like everyday's the last...
*sigh.. I'm thinking too much...
Goshhhhh.. i don know how to put it,
I'm feeling BIG TIMES i can do it,
But some hesitation telling me it's just too BIG!
God, truly.. Don wan to disappoint U, Mommy Mary,
Jesus Your Holy Son,...i don't ask for the strength,
I'm too ashamed for it...
It's like I'm complaining too much in my life...
Juz wan You to stay with me always...
Slap me when i get too proud,
in my trial times- whisper me Your words,
so i can move on even the road is rocky,
or when it is the windy-dusty-breaking soul-torn-hearted path
i shall go, i'll do it...juz Bless me and family in our lives,... Gtg.. Talk to You soon, God...

homesick

Another day, another saturday nite has passed by, i juz stayed at home,
Some friends asked to the club, some to karaoke, well sorry guys, juz din feel like going elsewhere but home..
My eyes are tired even till now, but it's better now,... Need to keep away from the computer,
doctor said yesterday to rest my eyes for about 2-3 days, sumthing bout RADIATION...
Hmmm.. Wokey.. 2 days it is! .
Feeling homesick, miss my hometown,... Think i will go back this may, *checking the date first*...
Hmmm, May 12 is a good pick, go to work for a half day and to the airport,
And take the sixteen hundred flight.. And go back at May 16...
Gtg, mom's done cooking... Write soon

:)

Think i found myself a new job, hahaahahahhaha... When i started suggesting
some of my friends about wat they shud wear in order to looked casual..
Well, i believe the most important rule is ( it's like i say this over and over again ) " feel comfortable and relax "...
Oh shud go, write soon.. Need to pick some tee/shirt for my friend...

persimpangan

Terasa semakin hangat,
Gejolak nada cinta,
Mengalun rindang dalam hati, terbayang kau disini
Masihkah kau ingat dulu,
Masa kita memendam rindu,
Cerita lama yang tak mungkin kembali

Ku yakin kau menyadari,
Semua tlah terjadi,
Disini kita berdiri, persimpangan tak pasti
Jika memang seharusnya,
Cinta kita mesti berpisah
Mengapa kau biarkan kita berjumpa

Setidaknya kita mengerti sudah
Takkan mungkin lagi kita bersatu,
Selamat tinggal persimpangan cinta,
Dalam kenangan hampa ini...

#for someone with D letter... Thanks 4 reminding me to this song...
You rocks!

my song lists..

1. Starlight - muse / gwen stefani
2. Drugs don't work - the verve
3. If you're gone - matchbox twenty
4. Deep inside of you - third eye blind
5. Semi-charmed life - third eye blind
6. Miss you love - silverchair
7. Bitter Sweet Symphony -the verve
8. Bent - matchbox twenty
9. CrushCrushCrush - paramore
10. I'm with you - avril lavigne
11. Heroes - the wallflowers
12. Hallelujah - leonard cohen / kd lang
13. Hallelujah - paramore
14. One last breath - creed
15. Karma police - radiohead
16. Apologize - one republic
17. My way - frank sinatra
18. Keep ur hands off my gal - good charlotte
19. You're beautiful - james blunt
20. Selir hati - ahmad dhani
21. Akhir rasa ini - samsons
22. Persimpangan - fariz rm
23. COBALAH MENGERTI- PETERPAN.

On my knees, in front of my imaginary Blessed Virgin Mary, who look beautifically down on me. Thoughts are flying free, i need sumthing in order to defragment the things i need to say to Her, how i was feeling decidedly uncomfortable, K is sick and need her rest for couple days, at least.. And i cannot see her today, don wanna ruin her bedrest... See if i get the chance to see her next week to see if she's okey, ... Well, regardless whose daughter she is, i juz feel I'm responsible for her life, sumtimes i wish they juz let me see her, Gosh, she's juz a small gal.. i don wan to blame M for wat she had done, for she had gone so fast, leaving K in uncertainty of who her father is... The question i myself cannot answer...
God, give me the courage to do wat i do best for K, and i know U, Holy Mary always listens, to all my prayers, to all my hesitation,
And I'm ready now, to do anything so that her life worth-living... Amen...

essence of you / me

Go now and live.

Experience. Dream. Risk. Close your eyes and jump. Enjoy the freefall. Choose exhilaration over comfort. Choose magic over predictability. Choose potential over safety. Wake up to the magic of everyday life. Make friends with your intuition. Trust your gut. Discover the beauty of uncertainty. Know yourself fully before you make promises to others. Make millions of mistakes so that you will know how to choose what you really need. Know when to hold and when to let go. Love hard and often and without reservation. Seek knowledge. Open yourself for possibility. Keep your heart open, wide... Keep your head up and your spirit free. Embrace your darkness along with your light. Be wrong every once in a while, and don't be afraid to admit it. Awaken to the brilliance in ordinary moments. Tell the truth about yourself no matter wat the cost.. Own your reality without apology. See goodness in the world. Be bold. Be fierce. Be grateful. Be wild, crazy and gloriously free. Be you

mom's idea of heaven

Juz had a late dinner and my mom prepared everything...
Mom told me story of how actually she met dad.. ( Well. It's not her telling, but i kept asking the question, so
It's more like she answering... :)... i've learnt much from the story, knowing even better how my dad and mom had been
doing and struggling for us, their unspeakably noty kids to survive..
Me and my bro were like stoned / hypnotized..! The way mom telling the story,...
It's like we're still kids,.. Hahahaahah.. i juz met the new beautiful life version of my parents..
And the new version beauty of my mom.. the way she put one story after another,
the way she spoke out words.. And how she changed her voice when she spoke my dad's words (*my favorite part )
i love u mommmmmm.... (* overwhelming happiness, Thanks God, Thanks Jesus, and Holy Mother Mary )
i believe wat Jesus says is right... (*trying to remember and translating them from BI to English ), hmmm
It sounds more like this.. Jesus say ," Where two or three of you gather to pray in my name,
There you will find me,"... And to be in heaven, there's no other way but thru Me ( sumthin like dat.. )
...think i've been in HEAVEN... Sharing wif family, telling stories, sharing anything, listening, asking, answering,
There's no stupid answer or stupid question, wat really there is LOVE...
I think there will be one of the best story i wud keep to my kids...
The 1 i wud call ," Grandma's idea of heaven"... Thanks again Mom, u r my heaven... i'd be lost without U...

happy b'day Papa & missing K....tons!

Wishing for my soul satellite... :) hope u r doing great out there..
guess wat? I'm thinking and talking about u again, tonite! The last time i think of u like when ya? Hmmm, YESTERDAY, oh no dis morning..
Ya, Papa's b'day ( Happy B'day Dad, Rest In Peace.. i know u r with Jesus now, watching over me, as always... )
YA, DATS HOW i REMEMBER U!!!
Gosh, i need to meet her...my lil angel, ...( Sorry, cudn't say her name here...) It's been wat, 2 months.. Last time was so
i met her, she's so adorable, talking like an adult, chatting and gossip-ing wif her friend on the cellphone, kids nowadays... Haahhahaa...
She's one of the things dat keeps me smiling,...everytime i see her,she's juz like a light dat shines so bright...
Like a light in a dark, and i'd be lost to some kind of uncertainty, unless I'm wif her...
Remember? She's my soul satellite...
So, the plan is... Seeing u dis weekend.. Need to call Rosie tomorrow, see if she can come with us...
gtg, need to talk to heaven...

Thanks Mom

talk and share with my mom tonite, about my life, job, goal, marriage...
Thanks mom for listening, it really means the whole world to me...
My beautiful and never stop caring mom.. is getting older, the years pressed her down, the burden, juz too much, but she never gives up..
Can see clearly the lines in her face,
Each line reminds me of her serial course of action, non stop thinking, doing, worrying, ..which she does for me
and my bros and sis.. i feel ashamed of myself when i look at her,...
i think i can't do any writing, my mind is totally.......

thanks gov't

Was so excited dis morning, about works and things, routine... Excited of the thought how i was gonna doing the collage of the new photos.. Till the lights off..
On.. Off again.. On.. Off again, shud write to the gov't, oh no they"re juz too bz talking and look like solving the tax, corruption, century crisis, and other " don know what will be the results" stuff... i bet none of them
Can 100% sure about the outcome will be... Thinking of gov't makes me sick, reali... Oh, i love my country, of cos i do.. But when it comes to politics,
i'd rather confidently waving my hand and say gudbye.. ( Think I'm complaining too much, hahahahaah ).. Well some say " if u don't like sumthing, change it. If u can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain.."
Wait till the electricity out for the whole days for 1 week,
See who wud sit still and stay calm while having their tea/coffee ( which is not hot / cold enough, due to the temporary cannot use electricity ), with optimistic point of view and positive energy, with
NO COMPLAINING..... Gosh, Wake Up.. We're human after all, and wat's we do best? EATING, SH*TTING and COMPLAINING!! U r lining in the cinema to buy tickets, sum1 cutting ur line and standing in front of u.. Wat wud u do? Complain!
Ok, I'm not suggesting to complain over / at anything, ok? Hahaahahahaha
Look at the bright side, if there is any...hmm.. So what i need is extra working hour doing the retouch.. Can't wait to do it!!!!
And am good at it... LEMBURRRRRRRRRRRR... Siaplahhhhh... Gtg, chel's mom bbm me...

no title!

Confession - i din go to church today... :) miss the mass.. Miss praising Jesus, the Hallelujah,the holy and the broken Hallelujah... :)
Think i need to ask for His forgiveness, for the things i have done, and for the things i am about to do... Sumtimes i wonder if i had an escapecoat,
Which i cud put on and disappear... Noone wud find me cos it's like a capsule... A world of my own creation inside a capsule! Write soon, gotta go HI-ing Jesus...

dimana kamu?

I'm on my bed now...lying down, rest my tired mind and body... i think i feel the slow creaks of my body when i lay down juz now...been bz helping mom and rosie cooking dis afternoon,
Or maybe I'm juz simply getting older, going 32 and still live my life as a single.. Don know wat to feel and wat to write now
... *thinking + imagining* pondering in my perplexion...

Aku tak tau harus mulai dari mana,
Aku tak tau harus menulis apa,
Di tanganku duka, ditanganku suka,

Lagu cinta ingin ku nyanyikan,
Namun lidahku kaku, hatiku beku,
Aku rindu, aku tak tau..
Lagu cinta dimana kamu?

Darimana kamu datang, aku tak mendengar langkahmu,
Lagu cinta pelan-pelan... Bangunkan aku...

Mencari apa yg dicari
Menunggu apa yg ditunggu,
Aku merasa di kejar waktu...

in the memories

It was soft.. The dream was soft, smooth like errr.. Mouse's ear..
Since i moved here, the dream keeps coming back again, like a group of people playing the same role all the times..
Don't know how to put it, it was far away and faint, but was barely more than a whisper.. A small but regular disturbance.. Like it was there and then gone, there again and then gone,
Like inhale and exhale... It's like a slide and slow motion slow.. *sigh*. After all it's only dreams..
Haahaaha.. Silly.. i shud laugh at and embrace myself, being bz over sumthing which is not a reality or was a reality... Need to have my shower now, Rosie is coming.. Need to clean up my bedroom and do the laundry... She wud be like " hahahhahahah" at the way I'm handling my Single life...
Sweet Rosie, being there for me all the times... Even till now, we're separated, but still concern bout my life... Thanks Ros..
Gtg.. Write later...

been holding on...

at my office now, with million things to do, retouching the photos... *excited* .. there are 680 photos to open, to filter and pick only about 25... hahhahahaha, now i'm going to be very bz, unless Hevi has free times to gimme a hand, oh but, he is bz doing the design and follow up the sample... sigh*.... okay, first thing 1st..
1. do the counting, 680 : 25 hmmm... it means need to pick 1 perfect pose over 27.... need all my senses here,   - easy part
2. light up my sampoerna mild ciggie or i wud prefer dunhill now..
3. set the dateline, okey... 4 days i think it's enuf to complete all the retouching,
4. need more ideas to do with the layout...
5. by next week, this shud be done.... :).. gotta go now..
oh ya.. M calls this morning, telling my voice sound like i'm 17... i juz woke up M! but hey, glad to hear you are okey...
write soon...

wat a day

take a million falls... but still hard to get up... wake upppppppp!!!! gak tau mesti mulai dari mana, keliatannya kabur dan irritating.... don't like illusions i can't see.... oh, shud go, mom's cooking for dinner...